Postcards are for Ants (not Americans)

The United States Postal Service is a threat to the productivity of the american superorganism

When’s the last time you used a postcard? Never, probably. Because what is the small, paper square designed to actually do? It provides extremely slow, limited feedback and doesn’t even come with advertisements for other products a lot of the time. It doesn’t store data either, not the profitable kind anyways. The postcard is a device only capable of a brief sharing of feelings, opinions, thoughts, expressions and experiences with a picture and a handful of words. So, nothing really practical—especially if the Postal Service isn’t reading them in order to build an elaborate profile of you over the course of your life so that they can better advertise products to you based upon key words, images, and phrases used in the postcard.

If all goes well however, the profitless sharing of post and postcards will be a thing of the past. Some of your nation’s leaders have seen the wastefulness of the United States Postal Service (USPS) and its unhinged commitment to delivering such useless parcels pretty much anywhere you ask them to. Your leaders are well on the way to bring the backwards message-sending system to a grinding halt. And with your elimination of postcards and the service that makes them possible, your nation is moving away from being a sluggish nebula of feelings and idle chit-chat, and more towards a highly efficient communication-for-profit superorganism. Yet, better than any beehive or ant colony, in using all message sending as a way of serving the queen ants of your nation, America is on track to become better than any other known superorganism in the ecosystem.

Much like you, ants in an ant colony are on social media for much of their waking life. Instead of the facebook product line however, they have an array of pheromones, little dances, antennae touching, and body music, as their social media. Just as you use social media to feed the beloved ceo of facebook sustenance (data), they use pheromones to feed the beloved ant queen sustenance (food/sex/security).

Through the use of pheromones, ants can talk about all sorts of stuff like sex, how they look, who to be friends with, exchanging liquids orally/anally, rivals, the weather, who’s dead, who’s alive, good places to go out to eat, pretty much all the same things you might talk about—and much like chatting on Whatsapp or hearting pictures on instagram much of this socializing is designed primarily for the profit of the beloved queen ant, which you might understand as the colony’s CEO or president.

However to the great detriment of the business of the superorganism, many ants have some pretty romantic ideas about free and not-for-profit communication. Through pheromones or antenna-touching ants often go shooting their mandibles off about labor division, allocation of resources, what ants hold positions of power, and often just generally communicate with each other without it being transmitted through the chemical trail of the queen ant.

Post, nowadays, appear as if it is designed to waste time in the same kind of way. Especially when you have emails as an alternative. With which the queen ant can send messages to you any time of day or night, any day of the week, almost wherever you are. This is great for getting sustenance to the queen ant because there’s no interruption of business. Similarly social media and online shopping are designed exactly for cultivating more consumption which again ends up being sustenance for the queen ant.

The USPS, in fact loses sustenance for your nation. Nor does it even let the queen ants have special shipping deals so they can put small, less-efficient companies out of business. In abolishing it, your nation surpass any of the other so-called superorganisms out there (they have only themselves to blame for their inevitable extinction). It seems ants are not mindless automata that they are often perceived to be—and it would no doubt be much more profitable for the queen if they would be.

With any luck, you will soon be completely unable to send postcards (or parcels, letters, or absentee ballots for major elections) through USPS. But don’t worry, if you have the money you will be able to send these things and more through the for-profit services. In a pandemic, where much message sending is being done, it is important that these messages are completely monitored and monetized for the profit of the troubled economy of the american superorganism. In the near future you will look down at all the silly ants in the world, going about their tiny lives of independence and free-pheromone sharing, and you will pity them for their open and totally inefficient way of living.