Cover America In Bermuda Grass

The devil's grass is the US’s best shot at a green future.

Look out at your lawn, or if you are one of those poor city-locked souls—close your eyes and imagine. See the gleaming green grass. Short, tamed but filled-out to every clearly marked edge making a perfect euclidean polygon of your land parcel. Perhaps you have a few healthy palmettos, oaks, elms, birches, pines, firs, something leafy—standing as equally spaced pillars upon the brilliant grid. Hedges growing to the right height; to the height you've deemed reasonable— as walls to guard your private spaces from the street where unwanted scrutiny festers. A line of razor-leaved, dark green bushes just under the front-facing windows as booby-trapped blockades. Maybe a small gang of snap dragons, petunias, lilies or maybe begonias to make the whole composition pop. This lawn of yours, or the picture you hold in your head, this "suburban american lifestyle dream"—is the green future your nation needs.

Those who control the green, control the future (as it has always been in one way or another). Right now the US is 7th place in that future (China obviously, but Canada?), even when the US suburb has long been a shinning emerald of what sprawling greening can look like. And this green utopia that is seen in America's suburbs, and desired in the boiling cities, is made possible thanks to the grasses. While there are all sorts of species, Fescue, Centipede, Zoysia, none compare to the efficiency and relentlessness of Cynodon dactylon or as it is commercially known: Bermuda Grass. In the increasingly drought-stricken nation there is only one grass that can resist the extreme heat temperatures that the nation's necessary industries will produce in coming years. Bermuda Grass, nearly an extremophile, like no other plant species can allow your nation to realize a cartesian vision of the green future so many hope to see realized.

Handsome as it can appear when properly controlled, Bermuda Grass will not abide any other grasses—and it is this sort of spirit of competition that makes the grass an ideal companion to you naturally ambitious Americans. Yet you can still control it with Roundup™ and the many other powerful herbicides that industrial agriculture has blessed you with to keep Eden in check. There are so few species that you can trust to abide by the infrastructures that you continue to develop, and that is so resilient as to resist any pollutant that you throw at it, in an increasingly hostile climate the only way to green your cities and your nation sustainably is by covering it in Bermuda grass.

You may be skeptical of how well Bermuda grass can be controlled, for some mischaracterize it as a "noxious weed" but if you need evidence look no further than your local golf club. Bermuda grass being a regular organism in the laser-guided landscaping that offers the world's great leaders, businessmen, land developers, scions of industry (and recently women even) who work hard and play hard to determine the fate of the world, at precisely buffered spaces from the prying public. The geometry of the golf course and American suburb can hardly be more exact nor more measured, and the same could be true for the expansion of Bermuda grass into concrete and glass cities, and into those rebellious wildernesses. As the satellites have already mapped out every inch of the united states, has cut it up into linear-bordered land parcels, and assigned capital value, the project to cover those problem areas with uniform green Bermuda grass is easier than ever.

Leveling the ancient forests, turning the plains into marvelous monoculture-agriculture operations, the genocide of native peoples, has since the birth of the USA has not been so much to make room for the colonists—but really to make sure there’s no scary things hiding in the bramble. The making of a less frictional nature. Covering the land in Bermuda grass may bring an end to that ongoing project to protect your children from the big bad wolves hiding in those dark and scary forest. On the nation's suburban lawn—the true anti-bramble—you can always have a clear line of sight on your land, and bushes or trees are widely, and evenly spaced by Bermuda grass. In the well-lit, a well-trimmed, and well-surveilled environment all is revealed, and if everything can be seen, it follows that you will have nothing to fear.

As Bermuda grass is designed to spread over land (you can make it better if need be), to cover everything it can through the organism’s rhizomal creeping. Nonetheless however a prodigious amount of herbicide will be necessary to prep the land to receive it in its totality. As plant-killing is a massive industry already, the production systems are in place but it will require increased production and could serve as a boon to your economy. The creation of new grass-infrastructure jobs will be inevitable, the hiring of landscapers all over the country will be necessary to cut the grass ( Bermuda grass can grow up to 16” high, and those wolves could duck to hide in grass so high) and apply herbicide from sea to shinning sea. Not to mention the massive damming and irrigation projects that will be needed to redirect all waterways to cover your evermore-arid nation’s giant lawn.

The most effective chemical agents for this job such as glyphosate and atrazine are well known to sterilize, cause hormone imbalance, and cause cancer in many orders of life not the least of which is humans (but its not something worry to over, as the agents are already common in drinking water around your nation). This reduction of carbon producing bodies will inevitably help to reduce US carbon emissions. This is doubly true as some strains of Bermuda grass are wont to produce cyanide gas and have been known to kill grazing livestock, the worst of carbon emitters.

This Machiavellian nature of the Bermuda grass is its crowning attribute, and the fact that it is named for a land men helped it colonize (before it was shipped over your entire planet) only speaks to the fact. If you’re a northerner, perhaps you look upon such proclamations about “dog's tooth grass” with disgust, but as the planet warms, your lush and soft northern turfs will be rendered dead and dried out—and only Bermuda grass will remain. As your pandemic will doubtlessly linger for years (for if you are free, you need not be shackled by a mask), your nation's great leaders can see that the peoples of US will need to spread out over suburbs across the landscape. Thus the assiduous jigsawing of the nation into clean-cut, super-suburbs is already in the cards, and so much land will quickly need to be made quickly picturesque. Your grand landscaping redesign, your greatest since the national parks project, can only be built upon Bermuda grass.