Anthrovision!: The PR-Ark

A satirical newsletter, riffing on the promises of “natural capitalism” which proposes to end the sixth extinction through the power of consumer capitalism.

Did you know that we’re in one of the most destructive mass extinction events (“biodiversity crisis” if you want to be fancy) in the history of the planet? Most species—so many of the plants, animals, fungi, and the other ones are, as they say, going the way of the Dodo. We just recently learned about this, and we were shocked, but then after a minute or so of grieving and processing this geological cataclysm, we decided we’re going to do something about it. Luckily, we’re trained in perhaps the most powerful artistic and scientific craft that humans have to offer: branding and marketing.

Our mission isn’t complicated: we’re hitting the brakes on this sixth extinction by giving an appealing voice and widely-relatable brand to every living species that we manage to come across (except humans of course!) Starting with dispatches from this newsletter.

We market-movers have woken up and smelled the dying roses to realize that with every species we lose, we lose yet another financial asset. Think about it, how many trillions of dollars have been made from pigs, honeybees, penicilium molds, tuna, bananas, cashews, coffee, chickens, apples, palm, black beans, yeast, horses, manure, lumber (from all sorts of trees), dogs as pets, horseshoe crabs, mangoes, truffles, almonds, corn, rice, turkey, salmon, lobster—you get the idea. Everyday species go extinct, and everyday we could be losing another billion-dollar-a-year industry.

Which is why Anthrovision! has arrived to disrupt the conservation industry and use every weapon in our vast tech and design arsenal to exploit every living species for all they’re worth—thereby saving them from extinction. We know that the only guaranteed way to ensure that every microbe on our planet is protected is, quite simply, to find each and every microbe a market.

Unlike those who trade in the meat, forestry, healthcare, and pet markets however, Anthrovision! is not interested in making markets from lifeless corpses of plants and animals and fungi and bacteria. Instead, we see that the many living species of this planet offer a limitless number of investment opportunities in the culture, creativity, and lifestyle markets. I ask you now, can you honestly say that there aren’t some days that you look in the mirror and wish something other than your beleaguered, mammalian face looking back? Why not a cuddlefish? Or a slimemold?

Anthrovision! is committed to helping people see how every species, even maybe the gross and weird ones, is worth at least a few bucks, and to remind you—the smart, concerned, beautiful, modern investor/consumer—that extinction is just bad business.